An illustration of Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, hand in hand.

Think About The Kids

[EXT. COUNTRY ESTATE, LATE 1700s ENGLAND – DAY]

MR. DARCY: Oh, Elizabeth, I do ever so much look forward to spending our days together.

ELIZABETH: Yes, I too feel a sense of general anticipation, Mr. Darcy.

MR. DARCY: And to think, it nearly didn’t come to be. With you fraternising with that horrid Mr. Wickham.

ELIZABETH: Horrid man.

MR. DARCY: Yes, horrid. He was only after one thing. What I’m saying is, I’m very glad indeed that we found each other. Two pure-hearted souls on this road together, in life.

ELIZABETH: Quite the poet aren’t you, Mr. Darcy?

MR. DARCY: I am now. Now that I’ve met you Elizabeth. The stars shine brighter, the grass smells grassier, the … clouds appear … cloudier?

ELIZABETH: Practice makes good work of it, doesn’t it?

MR. DARCY: I feel like I’m a poet, when I’m with you. To think that you have accepted my hand in marriage, it sends shivers of excitement down my spine.

ELIZABETH: Yes, Mr. Darcy.

MR. DARCY: Yes? How do I say this, Elizabeth? I am feeling quite encouraged. By your … femininity.

ELIZABETH: Mr. Darcy, there is something I need to tell you.

MR. DARCY: What is it, my love?

ELIZABETH: Promise me you won’t get terribly angry.

MR. DARCY: I will certainly try, but may I also be candid with you? This exchange is unexpected. Elizabeth, whatever could be wrong?

ELIZABETH: I have five kids.

MR. DARCY: What? Already? But we haven’t even …? That’s what I was getting at! Oh God, not that darsted Wickham was it? He got to you didn’t he? Couldn’t keep his grubby mitts off? But five kids! And out of wedlock I can only presume? There was never any talk of a divorce! I never saw you with a belly?

ELIZABETH: Well, it’s true. I have five kids. I wanted to tell you, I really did. Oh, Mr. Darcy, I do hope there won’t be any talk of divorce now. My kids mean so much to me. I was just afraid to bring them up in case you wouldn’t, you know, accept them. And me. When we are so much in love. In time I know that you will grow to love them all: Ringy, Nosey, Jonathan, Mabel, and Toey.

MR. DARCY: Forgive me if I step out of line Elizabeth, but those names. It sounds like Mr. Wickham was involved.

ELIZABETH: He wasn’t.

MR. DARCY: Then who and where is the man responsible for these kids?!

ELIZABETH: I got them off the farmer at the market.

MR. DARCY: Got them? Off the farmer? At the market? Is that how you speak of the sacred union between man and woman? Wickham did get to you! I don’t know of anyone else cunning enough. He dressed up as a farmer! Yes, yes, I see it in now! That swine! Fraternising with women, and fraternising with pigs. I should have known. I’ll find him I will. No eloping this time. I’ll force him to marry you too! Monogamy be damned! But dear Elizabeth, is this the end for us?

ELIZABETH: You assume too much, Mr. Darcy. I got them just last week.

MR. DARCY: Got them? You mean you adopted your young? Oh Highest Heaven, you mean you have quadruplets? With Mr. Wickham dressed as a blasted pig herder! You’ve named them before they’re even born? But why am I only hearing about this now?

ELIZABETH: Mr. Darcy, I have five goats.

MR. DARCY: Five goats!

ELIZABETH: Yes, Mr. Darcy. Five kids. Five goats.

MR. DARCY: You’ve already bought a goat for each one? Wickham, you peasant dog!

ELIZABETH: Five kids that are goats!

MR. DARCY: Elizabeth, this is all sounding very pagan.

ELIZABETH: I don’t have children, Mr. Darcy. It was a joke. I bought five goats at the market. I thought we could start a little hobby farm. You have an adequate sized estate, don’t you?

MR. DARCY: Of course. Please, forgive my tempestuousness. Seriously Elizabeth, this wry sense of humour of yours is sometimes just too much. I’ll end up with an aneurism.

ELIZABETH: Let’s make love in the barn.

MR. DARCY: I didn’t know we had one.

[THE END.]

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