Illustration of a shrub.

Shrub It Off

A woman, wearing overalls and a sun hat, hacks away at a large bushy shrub in her front yard in the midday sunshine, with a large pair of shears and an ever bigger smile on her face. The camera should ever so gradually zoom in on the shrub.

SHRUB [VOICEOVER]: That’s it, a little bit to the left. The pain feels so good. Yes! Yes! There! Right there. That’s soooooo hot. Yes! Cut me! Make me feel it! I wanna FEEL it! Yeah! Cut me more. Deeper! Harder! I like it when you cut me. Let me feel the sunshine on my bare trunk! Oh yeah! Who’s your naughty boy? Who wants the gardener when you can have the garden, right? Yeah, I’m standing out here in the hot sun all day. I know you see me. I’ve seen you looking at me through the open window. Take me! Take me further! Now Mrs. Mortensen! The time is now! You, me! Yes, yes, yes … YES! [The shrub is looking a little worse for wear now, perhaps the woman has gotten a bit carried away. Alas, the camera continues to gradually zoom in on the shrub, while we will continue to hear the mad clicking of the shears.] Brrrr … You know what, it’s getting kinda breezy. You feel that? Maybe a cold change is coming through. Might rain later. Actually, can we pause for a second? Linda? No, seriously. It’s freaking cold. Can you? Please? Do you hear me? Linda? Linda! LINDA! You’re taking it too far lady! God, what are you doing? Are you out of your mind! Look at me! I’m gonna have nothing left! You trying to kill me? Capsicum! CAPSICUM! Cucumber? Oh God, what did we agree the safe word would be? Pickle! Gherkin? Can you even hear me? Linda? LINDA? [Audibly sobbing] Please … stop … LINDA!


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