An illustration of a koala in a tree.

The Koala


[A MAN hangs on to the third-story corner of a large skyscraper, the only tall building in a mostly flat and green metropolis. An electric truck pulls up in a silent kind of ‘whoosh’ out front.]

NARRATOR: After its long descent into depravity, things on Earth in the year 2075 had well and truly turned the other way. Disgusted with the greed and destruction they had long witnessed in the world, the Global Hippie Front and Hipster Freedom Parties formed a joint alliance and had, through the help of some carefully crafted viral social media posts, taken over the world. Money was abolished in favour of a simple barter system (farmer’s markets). Love was encouraged instead of hate. Trees were replanted the world over. The Great Barrier Reef teemed with life again.

[A neatly-dressed WOMAN WITH MEGAPHONE steps out of the electric truck, accompanied by her younger ASSISTANT. She looks up, spots the MAN clinging to the building, sighs, and raises her megaphone.]

WOMAN WITH MEGAPHONE: In the name of the EGDFMTEALA, the Ecological Global Directive For Making The Earth Actually Liveable Again [SHE TURNS AWAY FROM THE MEGAPHONE TO HER ASSISTANT BY HER SIDE] Didn’t we agree on a simpler acronym? [BACK TO THE MEGAPHONE] I demand that you come down from that building.
MAN: [SHOUTING] Why? So you can cut down the last of the corporate offices? Replace it with one of your wildlife thoroughfares? You people are insane! All about the animals isn’t it? Oh, ‘Don’t hurt a koala’, I hear you say. ‘Respect mother nature,’ you say. ‘Wait till they cross the road,’ you say. Never mind you’re running late for a meeting! Yes, I see what you’re up to. You bloody hipsters! Driving your potato-powered cars and drinking your coconut-milk turmeric lattes! Yes, don’t touch the hair on a koala! But what about us CEOs? You hunt us down, force us to work on farms!
WOMAN WITH MEGAPHONE: No one is forcing you to work on a farm, Mr. Rubin.
MAN: Yeah right, because I’ll just walk down to the supermarket will I? And buy myself a tomato? But oh wait, there are no supermarkets anymore, are there? Because YOU SNEAKS got rid of them.
WOMAN WITH MEGAPHONE: There’s always the farmer’s market?
MAN: Fruit and veg without pesticides? Are you mad? You think I want worms in my salad? Hummingbirds in my sandwiches? Bees in my hair?
WOMAN WITH MEGAPHONE: Actually, I think you’ll find we’ve made significant progress on the birds and the bees, and the koalas for that matter. With all due respect you’re being a bit of a koala now.
MAN: All I ever wanted was a little bit of money to cradle, to love, to worship. Was that too much to ask? Just a few million pounds, tax-free? But YOU BASTARDS won’t have it! No! I’m never coming down! I’m making a stand!
WOMAN WITH MEGAPHONE: Come on now, don’t make this difficult. You’re making a fool of yourself. You’ll have a law suit on your hands!
MAN: Bleh! Community work! I don’t care anymore! I JUST don’t care! I made a promise long ago to sacrifice my life for the wholesome good of money. There’s no going back now! I won’t let you cut down another skyscraper!
ASSISTANT: Bloody cash huggers.

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