[A LARGE PAIR OF SCISSORS RUNS ACROSS A BACKYARD CARRYING A MAN IN BETWEEN EACH SCISSOR.] MOTHER: Duncan! Didn’t I tell you, don’t run with humans! DUNCAN: Sorry mum! THE END.
Nick: Wanna check out my new robotic vacuum cleaner? Matt: Yeah Nick, looks great. How does it work? Does it get caught on stuff? Nick: It remembers where it’s been, but yeah, sometimes it gets caught in a corner. Kinda funny. Yeah, you know, pretty soon we’ll be living in the future. Matt: Nick, that
Husband: Where have you been? Wife: Nowhere. Husband: Why didn’t you answer your phone? Wife: I didn’t hear it. Husband: I can read you like a book. Wife: You need to get your eyes tested. Husband: Don’t be a smart arse! Wife: I’ll make you an appointment. Husband: Humph… Wife: You can’t put me down.
Frank: Her eyes are like bright blue emeralds! Matt: Emeralds are green. Frank: …and when she smiles, she lights up the room. Matt: No need for a lightbulb then? Frank: Matt, I’m serious. I think this is the one. Matt: You said the exact same thing about the last girl. Frank: She’s a one in
Oh Sophie! I’m loving this. Yeah, we’ve got the whole beach to ourselves! We made the right decision. Sure it’s a bit cold here in Scotland, but we’ve finally got some alone time. Who needs Croatia or Greece. The packed beaches, the tourists. Yeah, too right. Oh, look Greg, what’s this? It’s a message in
Paddy, what are you doing? The police are on their way. You’re making a scene. Come on, let’s go home okay? The builders need to get back on the job. Mum always told me, never walk outside of a ladder. But Paddy, you’ve got it the wrong way round mate. Really? Yeah, you should never
Man: You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Woman: Yeah I can. Man: How? Woman: Eat half the cake. Man: Fair enough.
(Rob is rolling around on the welcome mat at the front door). Rob, what are you doing? I’m just so itchy!
MARCO POLO CHURCH CHOIR HUMMING GENTLY PRIEST: Julia, do you take this man Marco… CLIVE: Polo! WOMAN: Clive! We’re at a wedding. CLIVE: Sorry. PRIEST: Marco Williams to be your loyal husband. BRIDE: Yes. PRIEST: And Marco… CLIVE: Polo. WOMAN: Clive! Stop it! PRIEST: Marco… CLIVE: Polo. PRIEST: Do you take this lady to be
Father: Son, it’s time we had a little chat. Son: ‘Bout what dad? Father: Well, it’s just… you’re mother actually asked me to come over today, because she was a little worried about you. Son: Yeah? Father: You see… I’m not really sure how to put this, but… well, here goes… In nature there are