Audrey portrait - Audrey, I Love You

Audrey, I Love You

[A middle-aged man, MICK, approaches his friend, FRANK, who is sitting down in his living room softly sobbing. MICK sits down beside him and puts his hand on his back to comfort him.]
MICK: Frank, why are you crying?
FRANK: It’s… It’s… Audrey Hepburn!
MICK: What about her?
FRANK: I’m in love with her Mick! I’m so absolutely head over heels for her!
MICK: Pity she’s dead.
FRANK: Yes, but when I watch her in the classics, she just has this way of jumping out from the screen, of being larger than life. You know? It doesn’t make sense that someone that beautiful, that elegant, that charming should ever die.
MICK: Well, you’re going to have to get over it. It’s always going to be unrequited. There’s nothing you can do about it.
FRANK: Actually… there was something. But not anymore! Oh what have I done! Last night, I performed a ceremony…
MICK: A ceremony?
FRANK: Yes, Mick… I summoned up the spirit of Audrey Hepburn from the after life last night and it was horrible! Horrible!
MICK: What did she say?
FRANK: She said “Leave me alone will you! I was just lazing around on the Copacabana beach in Heaven and you drag me back here!” I was crying I was! In tears! I said, “Audrey! Please! I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved!” But she said that if I summoned her up again, that she’d call Zeus and get him to strike me down with a lightning bolt. I said, of course, that if she did that then I would be in the afterlife with her… where we could be together forever and ever and ever…
MICK: What did she say?
FRANK: Then the worst happened. Cary Grant appeared and told me, “Shove off or I’ll clip you one!” Then they both just floated away again into the ether. [bawling] The funny thing was that she wasn’t even beautiful anymore… But yet, I’m still completely and utterly in love with her!
MICK: But how could that be? Frank? How could she not be beautiful! What’s happened to her?
FRANK: Well, I mean, she wasn’t ugly or anything… It was just that she appeared as an orb of light. They both did. Pure energies of love and peace. Her human beauty isn’t necessary anymore where she is. She’s now pure spirit. Oh, Frank! I’ve lost her haven’t I! I’ve lost her forever!
MICK: There, there Frank. There, there… You’ll find another Hollywood starlet somewhere…
FRANK: Plenty more spirits in the ether hey?
MICK: That’s right Frank. Plenty more spirits in the ether…
FRANK: But I’m just so lonely.
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